Funny's that Landed in my E-Box

" True bravery is arriving home late after a boys night out, being assaulted by your missus with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

Adam & Eve

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God…

“Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious, comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that Eve,” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a man, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you’re complaining, I’ll created him in such a way that he will satisfy your uh, physical needs. He’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Yeah, well…you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?” “As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring…so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first…so just remember…it’s our little secret…woman to woman.” HA, HA!!

From My Daughter in Law Amanda

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut! yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.